Thursday, January 26, 2012

Relating to Teen Mom on MTV

Ok, I don't live with my parents, have a druggie/loser boyfriend that left me when he found out I was going to have a kid, or got a boob job because I am showing the world how pathetic of a mom I can be BUT...

I did play single mom for a week! Praise all of you! Nate, my husband, now thinks he wants to hold off even longer on having kids as I have turned into what he calls a "bum". I have been sleeping in later, not wanting to really get off the couch, or basically be a productive member of society. Now don't take that the wrong way! I was oh... probably one of the most fun mom's of the week :) when I watch my 5 & 3 year old niece and nephew... but I think it took every fun/productive ounce out of my body for at least a week after.

Over my week of being a single mom with two kids in a town I had no clue where anything was, I picked up some mom "insights" or "theories" that hopefully future, new, and already out of the house mom's will appreciate!

1. Cold weather, to the point your fingers might fall off and two kids under 6 reminds me of a room with white walls and tight jackets.
2. Innocent children's movies can make little kids do the darnedest things. For instance, I as an adult, when watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, would never see Violet put gum behind her ears and go "Hmm ... I wonder if it really sticks back there"... HOLY HELL
3. One karate chop deserves another. You hate to always have to yell at little kids to not fight so it's a whole lot easier when they resolve it on their own. He shoves her... she trips him... let's just call it even!

4. Kids think sleeping is for the birds. Seriously, they may have it right that we should be living life instead of wasting it sleeping but how do you willingly get up at 5:30am!!!! Thank the lord we don't live in Alaska and I can just say, it's still night time go back to sleep!
5. Kids are creatures of habit! If I had a nickle for every time I heard "My mom doesn't do it like that" I could be on my way to retirement.
6. Having the "look" is a gift. If your mom didn't have it, there is a chance your father did. It's that look that can instantly send your kids into tears or make them instantly stop what they are doing. It's useful in public places so that you don't have to raise your voice.
7. When you are walking and all the sudden your little one puts their tiny hand in yours to hold... your heart melts!
8. Phrases like "I'm gunna miss you" and "I love you Katie Koester (insert your name)" make you realize how lucky you are and what a gift it is to be a parent (aunt).

9. Every McDonald's should have a play area! Lord knows, we aren't there for the healthy meal!
10. Boys might be the easiest sex to entertain (no surprise there)! If you can throw, hit, catch a ball for 2 hours... you are in business.
11. Kids have surprising talents. I can't hula hoop to save my life but my niece... watch out!

You thought thought 1 hula hoop was impressive...

12. Cooking with kids is a great way to pass time! There is a ton for them to do and they get to eat what they make! My husband wants me to have dinner each night for him... he didn't say who had to make it :).

13. When kids are "over it" they are OVER IT! Let's just say, we got a little turned around in MN and man, they let you know about it. "Big sigh"... "What's wrong"... "Are we there yet" ... "Unfortunately no, but ask me again in 1 minute" ... "Big sigh" ... "What's wrong".... OK you get the point! Patience is definitely a virtue!
14. Praise all mother's that don't turn into blimps! Oh, it's time for a snack... don't mind if I do. Oh, you didn't finish your dinner... don't mind if i do. Oh, all I've eaten this week is goldfish and chicken nuggets yet my pants won't button...UGH!
15. DVD players in cars... GENIUS! This was very helpful on all my ventures that took a little longer than expected due to wrong turns :)
16. Kid know their directions... KIND OF!
"Katie, you aren't going the right way to my school"
"Really, where do I turn then"
"Uh... well you go this way for a while and then we are there"
"Can you give me a street name"
"Oh right... your 5"
17. Children's Museums are a parent's dream. Lord knows, toys are boring after 8 seconds and you don't have enough money to buy new ones every week so why not go to a place where their job is to entertain your kids :). Some say laziness... I say "using your resources"!

18. Kids have an unspoken or sometimes spoken bond! For the life of me, no matter how hard I try... sometimes you can not understand what little kids are saying. THIS is why you have two!
Carter "weirojeworij"
Kaite "What"
Carter "werlekjwrjkl"
Katie "What"
Carter "Nevermind" (break my heart)
Katie "Kennedy, what is he trying to say"
Carter "wkelrjewlwe"
Kennedy "He said where is your airplane"
Katie "Praise you"
19. It's always the other ones fault. I came up stairs and caught Carter in Kennedy's room when they both should of been in bed. Kennedy was showing him some books. Me: "What are you two doing"... Kennedy: "Carter came in here"... Me: "Maybe he wouldn't of if you were not reciting the whole Chipwrecked movie out loud".
20. No matter what... your kids are the best! Unless your kids are just holly terrors and you are a big enough person to admit it, you absolutely believe that your kids are miracles of life! I have to admit, I am a little different... I KNOW they are the best ;)! I have to give MAJOR props to my sister in law! She, being a stay at home mom, has really created two pretty specials kids. They are so well behaved and polite. There hearts are so big. I can not wait to see the adults they grow into!

Even though my grandmother thought after a week of me babysitting, she would never get any grandchildren out of me, I have to admit it didn't send me quite over the edge! We can only hope they come out one at a time!

PS- LOVE THOSE MUNCHKINS more than anything!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Bachelor: Naturely Boring

To begin, I am sorry I missed last week! I was traveling to play "single mom" for a week with my 5 & 3 year old niece and nephew (DEFINITELY a blog to come about that)! So, as you mom's out there know, I had little free time that I didn't want to not spend sleeping!

I did have some thoughts on last week though. Can I do it within 10 Katisms... sadly yes!

1. Why on 1 on 1's do they have to run towards each other?
2. Is it just me or does Ben think he can solve everything by feeling intestines with his tongue?
3. Emily got matched on Match.Com with her brother... hint, hint?!?
4. My husband now drives through Leawood in hopes to see Casey S. and those daisy dukes!
5. Ben only likes Kacie B. because she skis "Jersey Turnpike" style!
6. Brittney realized Ben's not worth all the free wine in the world.
7. Yes I would of dumped Ben for Matt Nathenson!
8. Note to men: Playing "This years love" is a sure fire way to get what you want!
9. Telling any man you'd make cute babies together after 3 days = STALKER
10. Sorry Chantal... Ben is not ready to pick out his coffin!

On to Utah and this week's Bachelor!

This week the ladies and Ben went to Park City, Utah for some outdoorsy dates! I would of been fine not getting a date this week. It's not that I'm not into nature, etc. but let's get serious... I'm on the Bachelor for extravagant dates/gifts not love ;)! First date this week went to snagtooth Rachel. I know, I know... I will burn in hell after all these blogs!

I was excited to see what would come out of her manly voice and Ben because they looked to have chemistry last time they were together. Turns out sitting in a boat and at a picnic starring at each other was NOT a good idea. I think Ben had the right idea to switch the conversation to beavers but then he pointed over to the damn and again I was as bored as them! He did end up giving her the rose at the end of the night which surprised me. He must feel safe when he closes his eyes and hears Al Green!

Next was the group date with Courtney. AGAIN, I would of stayed in the hotel rather than being next to the devil. How does our Leawood girl stick up for her?!? To tight of jean shorts? Ok I'll stop... that was the jealousy talking ;). Anyhow, Ben looking oh so manly on a horse, has to cross a pond to get to the girls for the date and ends up looking like what would happen if Blakely ever got a hold of him!! He thought girls that have been starving themselves for months to show off their bodies would like to go fly finishing :(. Courtney was the only one to catch a fish. They must be attracted to her smell ;). At the cocktail party later that night Samanatha shot her self in the foot, though I am not sure how she saw her feet past her GIGANTIC IMPLANTS! Basically she was like "I am too cool for these group dates" and then Ben informed her "Your boobs are not enough anymore". So Samanatha went home right before Courtney manipulated Ben into giving her the rose. I don't know about you guys but the more Courtney's uni (uni-brow) fills in the more Ben finds her attractive... perplexing!

The last date went to Jennifer! I was so happy for her! They had to crawl into a cave over water and then drop into it! UM awesome!! Pretty sure that inspired me to connect my husband and myself to a cord that has some bungee in it and jump off a cliff :). Me=Adrenaline Junkie! Ok back to the fab date! Jennifer and Ben had great conversations and just looked more natural as the night went along. Oh and did I mention that they went to the Clay Walker concert? Is Ben trying to get the girls to leave him for the performers?? Clay walkers jeans... still fit the same at any age :)! Ben gave her the rose and they tongued in front of everyone. True love... my guess is no but she is great!

Rose Ceremony

Poor Emily went crazy and decided to tell Ben, who is infatuated with Courtney that, she sucks ass. Good decision? In the long run I say yes as she can do better ;). But telling Courtney's best friend in the house what you did... makes me think I could get a PhD as well! Courtney responded to the bad mouthing by saying "I'm a nice person. Don't f**k with me". Some times she just makes so much sense!

Lucky I guess for Emily, she got a rose and poor lesbian Monica was sent home. In the long run I think she did like boys as well but Ben was not into boobs this week!

Next week makes me want to gag watching Ben & Courtney touch their, as my niece would call it "privacies" together in the ocean.

It's official... ABC and I are breaking up!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Bachelor: Bad Hair = Bad Taste

Can we all agree on one thing? If we weren't avid reality TV watchers and somehow felt like we would be out of the loop if we didn't watch, I think after week two, the Bachelor would be cut like Ben needs to do to his hair! ABC is going to have to spice it up. I am over the typical cat fights... "Her face looks like a horse (it does but beyond the point)", "Look Jenna's drunk again", "She's a lesbian (which ABC should of played up on a little more)". But previews for the rest of the season lead us to believe Ben's season is going to get better with a return of an ex, PG-13 blurred nudity, and potentially a girl that says no to his SECOND proposal on national TV. Guess that is enough for me to keep watching.

This week on the Bachelor, Ben (ABC), flew all the girls out to Sonoma, CA to see where they will live for the rest of their lives if they are the love of Ben's life. At least we can all agree the "winner" will have an endless supply of wine!

Kacie B. got the first date. Yes I know what you are thinking... Who?! She is the girl with the HEAVY accent from Tennessee. Their date started off with some sightseeing in the dark... wtf? I do have to give her a little credit when she whipped out the baton skills. It could be that I secretly wanted to be able to do that in high school but these thighs in that glorified sparkling swimsuit was just something no one needed to see! Anyhow, I just chalked up their dinner date to them being the most perfectly boring couple. I almost can't even make fun of her about anything because I become comatose when I think about her. The night ended with them watching old home videos of their dads. ABC totally got me and I teared up during Ben's childhood clips because I love my daddy! But let's get serious... who doesn't love Kevi D! I guess I could see these two together but ... ugh... I literally have nothing to say about them...THAT IS HOW BORED I AM!

Well thank the lord that date ended and then the group date began! Lots of woman with one man... it's the best combination for drama! A little different then the normal video or movie shot, the girls and Ben put on a play that was written and directed by children. I have to be honest... a little weird having children on a show about a bunch of women who want to sleep with one man. Jennifer, the cute red head, was definitely the best with the play! She seems fun but not over the top. PLUS, we all remember my attempt to go red... let's just say her red, though obviously not real, looks a lot better than my carrot top moment :).

But I did enjoy doing something different though note to self, eyebrows have to match the rug... wait that's not right :/ lol! Seriously on that note... to all you blondes who are currently trying to go brunette... if it ain't broke... don't fix it. I won't pretend to be blonde if you don't pretend to be smart :) OMG it was a joke! Just put down the dye...! Back to the date, the only other person during the play that stood out was Blakey and her Baywatch moment. Let's give her a break with the cleavage as she thought she was going to see Ben not a bunch of 9 year olds but the camel toe is inexcusable either way. Damn those rompers! The play was a bit odd especially when Ben lost all his clothes and only had like 3 cotton balls covering well his balls! Kids... brutally honest :)!

The rest of the date was spent in bathing suits of course! We saw a couple girls double kiss Ben on his cheek like it's spring break and it's ok to share a guy. Blakely had a suck face session with Ben and kept talking about how blessed she is... blessed by botox?!? Samantha expressed her hatred for Blakely. And Jennifer and Ben went to the hot tub and had an awkward conversation that basically went "we only have two minutes to grope each other so let's get at it". Jami, who I love, bounced around it Ben's face but sadly the rose went to Blakely. According to where Ben's blood supply goes to, Blakely made the most of the day with Ben. Do you think he is slow or just like every man...

Courtney, the "model", got the last date. Confused... does "model" mean you don't have to wear makeup? The answer to that is NO! They went and spent the day in the woods and vineyard. Ben the whole time finished all of her sentences trying to make her into his perfect woman.

Ben: What do you want in life?
Courtney: Well as time goes on...
Ben: You want to travel and have kids...
Courtney: Exactly
Ben: And you have been wanting me to feel you up all day...
Courtney: Winning

She seemed "normal" on the date, but evil with the girls in the house. When she found out she was going on the last date she told Kacie B. "How did that taste coming out of your mouth". My response would have been... "Like a dirty whore". I know... I would get far on this show! The date ended with Ben and Courtney robotically kissing... so weird! Maybe it's the shape of his lips... I don't know... can we get TeBow on this show!?!

The Rose Ceremony

Some note worthy performances...

1) Lindzi drives a diesel truck. Let's just say Ben would always be on bottom lol!
2) Jenna is starting to remind me of Kim Richards on HWBH. Though according to her... definitely a guy!
3) Blakely's crying... real? Real as her tatas!
4) Casey S is still rocking it for Kansas! Hang in there girl!

Jenna, "heshe", was the one to not receive a rose... SURPRISE!

Along with Shawn someone...

FINALLY next week I hope to not be nodding off during the show as the EX comes back! HOLLA

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Bachelor is Back Baby!

I would like to first thank the support of my five or so avid Bachelor Blog friends. If it were not for you, this blog would be thing of the past like when ABC used to choose Bachelors and Bachelorettes that people care about.

OK OK... I know some of you love Ben, but I have to be honest, when I heard he was the Bachelor, I almost allowed Nate to tape Monday Night football over it. But then I realized, WAIT... bad reality TV is still WAY better than subjecting myself to 3 hrs of utter boredom. I also have something to say to all the men who are dating or married to women who continue to cause fights in my household because they "claim" to love college & professional sports... A. They either want to tie you down by making you spend all your savings on a rock or B. Are trying to make you a DADDY. So all you nacho eating/beer drinking/home town team tattooed girls... grab your lip gloss and let's discuss what went down last night!

I have to say that Ben did have some lookers within his group of 25 girls. Honestly at first, I thought that this might be a pretty boring season as none seemed like a Michelle Money or Count Dracula with blonde hair. But then they opened their mouths and a smile came to my face :).

Here is a run down of MY first impressions (Note lack of names mentioned in the list says enough for those girls):

- Rachel Rose aka Bucky. Pretty sure dental work costs as much as that dress. Guess she made her choice!
-Elyse... apparently I am not blind, unlike my husband, and think that she needs to cut back on the creatine. I am not seeing it people. At least we can all agree on 51% chance she used to be a man??

-Courtney: I think we can all agree she is GORGEOUS but she lost me at his hair. Really you love his hair? That's like telling her I love your brain!
-Emily with the kiss. Whore or Whore... you decide!
-Holly Holy Tits! Can you guess where my boobies... I mean hat is from?

-I HEART JAMIE!! Nate wants to see her in her scrubs... perv! But at least I finally agree with him on a girl he thinks is hot. Do you know what it's like to have your husband think ugly woman are pretty. Let's just say, there are a lot of conversations that start with "How ugly am I" lol!

-Shiraz... the consensus of the group on the couch at home eating candy is a burger would do you good!
-Brittney, great move with the granny! Though not sure how Ben felt about you showing him what you will look like in 40 years...

-BEST ENTRANCE BY FAR... Anna! It was like a bad soft core porn as she tilted her head and kept on walking like "see you on the kitchen table Ben"!
-Shawn with the "good game" slug BAHAHA... hilarious!
-Lastly, Lindzi on the horse... zzzzzzzz way to ruin that moment ABC. Been there seen that via 10,000 previews of the show!

Once the ladies were inside the mansion and the bubbly was flowing... things started to get interesting...

There were a lot of horse & grandma haters. Don't hate ladies, when everyone has fake titas, you have to do something to standout!

If I heard one more person say "I'm so glad it was you", I was going to have to move the trash can closer. I MEAN PUKE people... are you drunk or you just like boring men with bad hair?!

Emily and her rap. THAT Biotch stole my idea! I literally told Nate 5 minutes before I would definitely rap or maybe beat-box!

My name is KK
And I'm here to say
Give me that rose
And I'll be one of yours hos

3 things I know for sure...

1. Jenna was drunk
2. Monica is a lesbian
3. And I am pretty sure I don't like any of my friends enough to share a tampon sometime. Really Jenna.... you sick mother-f'er

Horse Lindzi (with a Z) got the first impression rose. Personally... I am pretty sure she is too much for him!

As for what we have in store for the future.... looks like brunettes and more brunettes! Sorry blondes! Also, I think he keeps the Tennessee girl around for a long time (lots of fast forwards in my future). And lastly I believe we get to see a hell of a lot more of Courtney than we would prefer (and by WE I mean, everyone with baginas and who are not lesbians or bisexuals or curious)!

Happy Whoring Until Next Week!