Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Bachelor is Back Baby!

I would like to first thank the support of my five or so avid Bachelor Blog friends. If it were not for you, this blog would be thing of the past like when ABC used to choose Bachelors and Bachelorettes that people care about.

OK OK... I know some of you love Ben, but I have to be honest, when I heard he was the Bachelor, I almost allowed Nate to tape Monday Night football over it. But then I realized, WAIT... bad reality TV is still WAY better than subjecting myself to 3 hrs of utter boredom. I also have something to say to all the men who are dating or married to women who continue to cause fights in my household because they "claim" to love college & professional sports... A. They either want to tie you down by making you spend all your savings on a rock or B. Are trying to make you a DADDY. So all you nacho eating/beer drinking/home town team tattooed girls... grab your lip gloss and let's discuss what went down last night!

I have to say that Ben did have some lookers within his group of 25 girls. Honestly at first, I thought that this might be a pretty boring season as none seemed like a Michelle Money or Count Dracula with blonde hair. But then they opened their mouths and a smile came to my face :).

Here is a run down of MY first impressions (Note lack of names mentioned in the list says enough for those girls):

- Rachel Rose aka Bucky. Pretty sure dental work costs as much as that dress. Guess she made her choice!
-Elyse... apparently I am not blind, unlike my husband, and think that she needs to cut back on the creatine. I am not seeing it people. At least we can all agree on 51% chance she used to be a man??

-Courtney: I think we can all agree she is GORGEOUS but she lost me at his hair. Really you love his hair? That's like telling her I love your brain!
-Emily with the kiss. Whore or Whore... you decide!
-Holly Holy Tits! Can you guess where my boobies... I mean hat is from?

-I HEART JAMIE!! Nate wants to see her in her scrubs... perv! But at least I finally agree with him on a girl he thinks is hot. Do you know what it's like to have your husband think ugly woman are pretty. Let's just say, there are a lot of conversations that start with "How ugly am I" lol!

-Shiraz... the consensus of the group on the couch at home eating candy is a burger would do you good!
-Brittney, great move with the granny! Though not sure how Ben felt about you showing him what you will look like in 40 years...

-BEST ENTRANCE BY FAR... Anna! It was like a bad soft core porn as she tilted her head and kept on walking like "see you on the kitchen table Ben"!
-Shawn with the "good game" slug BAHAHA... hilarious!
-Lastly, Lindzi on the horse... zzzzzzzz way to ruin that moment ABC. Been there seen that via 10,000 previews of the show!

Once the ladies were inside the mansion and the bubbly was flowing... things started to get interesting...

There were a lot of horse & grandma haters. Don't hate ladies, when everyone has fake titas, you have to do something to standout!

If I heard one more person say "I'm so glad it was you", I was going to have to move the trash can closer. I MEAN PUKE people... are you drunk or you just like boring men with bad hair?!

Emily and her rap. THAT Biotch stole my idea! I literally told Nate 5 minutes before I would definitely rap or maybe beat-box!

My name is KK
And I'm here to say
Give me that rose
And I'll be one of yours hos

3 things I know for sure...

1. Jenna was drunk
2. Monica is a lesbian
3. And I am pretty sure I don't like any of my friends enough to share a tampon sometime. Really Jenna.... you sick mother-f'er

Horse Lindzi (with a Z) got the first impression rose. Personally... I am pretty sure she is too much for him!

As for what we have in store for the future.... looks like brunettes and more brunettes! Sorry blondes! Also, I think he keeps the Tennessee girl around for a long time (lots of fast forwards in my future). And lastly I believe we get to see a hell of a lot more of Courtney than we would prefer (and by WE I mean, everyone with baginas and who are not lesbians or bisexuals or curious)!

Happy Whoring Until Next Week!

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